On Being Me

January 22, 2011 § 1 Comment

Yesterday, I had another interview for the Masters position I mentioned in this last post.

Actually, the interview was more of a discussion about the research I would be doing (!!!). I didn’t realize there would be a second part until I was about to leave. We ran into “The Big Boss” just as I was walking out. In a flurry of cordial exchanges, I found myself squeezed into the corner of a smallish office (possibly a large office, but dwarfed by an even larger desk), and confronted by questions I hadn’t really prepared myself for. There was no way out.

As I was bombarded by these questions, I found myself panicking. Yes, I had thought about my decision, and yes, I was excited about the research, but all of my thorough thinking didn’t come together in complete sentences and the right words, and it ended up being a big, stammering mess.

When asked how I performed in a team environment, I blurted out that I was somewhat “controlling”. Yikes! I don’t think passing yourself off as a control freak is good in any situation…I’ve watched my fair share of “The Apprentice” to know that being controlling (with or without results) gives your team a reason to get rid of you…fast.

I think what I meant to say was that I like knowing what’s going on around me. It helps me figure out which way I should go. As a team leader, I like to guide you in the right direction. As a team member, I like to know where I’m going.  If there are problems, I try to help. I try to respect those around me, and it’s important to me to build a relationship with the people I am working with.

Now why couldn’t I say THAT during the interview???

Nerves nerves nerves…they get you every time, and spoil your day. Even 15 years of being on stage can’t get rid of them!

After the interview, I had a quiet drive home. I thought about what I had said, and realized that I had a really hard time conveying who I really am. You know those typical “describe yourself in one word” questions…they really puzzle me. I can never think of a good enough word to attach myself to and blurt out “THIS WORD IS ME!!!”. I try so hard to find The Word, and it just backfires. It’s as frustrating as it is (in hindsight) entertaining.

I’ve been reading a lot of other blogs lately, and it sounds like a lot of the writers are trying to find out who they are. Scrolling through their previous posts, and watching them become themselves is, in my opinion, a lot of fun. It’s really helped me figure out who I am too.

Sort of.

I still haven’t figured out who I am, and when I try too hard, it ends up being all wrong. But I think, while I’m eating this crinkly topped chocolate chip cookie, that if I let it all happen naturally, I’ll be more happy about the discovery rather than more frustrated with the defining.


Anyway, I’m wondering:

What do you do to try to get to know yourself a little bit better?

I’d really love to know. 🙂



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§ One Response to On Being Me

  • Lorna Rempel says:

    Have you tried reading “The Road Less Traveled?” I have a copy of the book here at home if you would like to borrow it.

    After my first divorce, this was one of those psychology type books that a counselor recommended that I read. As I read the book and thought about my own life – it really helped me identify “why I do some of the things I do”. In my case – I was able to see that a lot of the choices I made, my feelings, my opinions were based on the unconscious or learned behaviour from my development.

    For the longest time after reading that book and even sometimes today – I stop to ask myself “Why do I think/act like that? Why do I feel that way?”

    I can even give you an example. Years ago when my husband would eat cookies, he would often use a small saucer to put them on. Not a plate – a small saucer – the kind that go under the cups. That used to really, really, really bug me. Not because we drink coffee or tea and there was a need for them. It just used to bug me. Then one day I figured out why I had such strong feelings about “the saucers” being used as plates. When I was a kid – my mom was not a great housekeeper (and still isn’t). Every dish in the place had to be dirty before she would wash dishes for about 3 hours straight. Us kids, usually had to dry the dishes during this long stint. And we always knew it was almost time to do dishes whenever the saucers were being used as plates. Once I figured that out, my husband can now use a saucer as a plate without complaint from me.

    The point is that your past feelings, behaviours can affect both big and small things in life. Small things like saucers, big things like marrying an alcoholic, abusive husband – like my father was. It was what I was used to with having grown up with it.

    Anyways, the book talks about different subjects and areas of your life. Your family upbringing, your spirituality and a couple of other things I can’t remember off the top of my head. The first time I read the book, I wasn’t ready for the part on spirituality so I didn’t even read it until many years later.

    I would suggest it is a good place to start if you’re looking to get to know yourself.

    Good luck and let me know if you want me to bring the book to church sometime.

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